God Is In the Ordinary

A most beautiful thing happened the other day. I saw God - in a store employee.

Let me set this up a bit. Seth (6, with autism) has been coveting a trophy that Joel (11) received a few years back after his first soccer season in Houston. He wants it. Bad.

None of us can make him understand that you have to do something to receive a trophy, and that this particular trophy is very special to Joel, and - no - he cannot have it. He has begged, pleaded, bargained with his brother to have the trophy in his room and obsesses about it - often.

Fast-forward to a few days before oldest brother Alexx graduates from high school in May. Seth and I visited Noblesville Trophies to look into having the watch we were getting Alexx for graduation engraved. When we walked in, it was like when I walk into Ikea - I just knew Seth heard angels singing. The room is full of trophies - hundreds of them of every shape, color, sport, etc., imaginable. How I got him out of there, I do not remember. But the visit stuck in his head, as he asked me nearly every waking hour after that if we could go back to get him a trophy of his own.

If you've never been the object of an autistic person's obsessiveness, please imagine Chinese water torture directly onto the part of your brain that controls any sense of sanity or control.

I finally consented a few days ago, so off we went. After taking what seemed like hours to pick just the right trophy, we took it to the register to ask if they had it in stock. They did, and the woman working asked what we wanted engraved on it. When I said nothing, she looked at me so completely puzzled that I explained to her about his autism and the entire situation, and her face just melted.

So I got out my debit card, and she said that she couldn't run debit or credit for under $10 (it was $7.50). I told her we would be right back after going to the bank, turned to Seth to tell him we would come right back after going to get some money, and his face just fell. I continued to explain we would be right back - I promise!

The woman about came unglued. "You just go ahead and take it, young man!" I argued with her that we would be right back, that I wasn't taking it to no avail. Fine - then I told her to charge my debit card $10 for it. Nope. She wouldn't do it. She wanted him to have that trophy right now and that's it.

But there's more.

She then asked him if he'd like his name on the trophy; of course, he said yes. So she goes in the back and comes out with the trophy a few minutes later, which now reads, "Seth - the BEST of the BEST."

His eyes lit up and he nearly began dancing around with that trophy right there in the shop. I have never seen him so excited or proud.

I then told her we had definitely hit $10 now and handed my card in her direction. She would not take my money. "Seeing that little face it all I want."

After thanking her profusely, we went to the van and tears just rolled down my face. And Seth rode in his car seat kissing his new trophy all the way to PetsMart, where he then proudly walked through the store holding it.

There is more to the story, but to protect the woman's privacy, I will not put it here. She was the unfolding of a sermon our pastor had preached just a few days prior.

Lest we think there is little good in our world anymore ... just know that it can turn up when - and where - you least expect it.

You Have Been Warned

So my friend, Jess, always says she wants to hear more about our marriage and reiterated that after my last post. We live 2,000 miles apart, so she cannot experience - for herself, in real time - the great gooberness that we live each day.

Warning: you're about to find out.

Let me first explain that we did not sit down one day and create this marriage. This is just how it happens to be. We have been together since we were 16 and married since we were 20. We, essentially, grew up together - and by God's grace alone, grew in the same direction. For the record, we are now 38.

So here are the basics:

We are silly.

We enjoy each other. I mean really enjoy each other. I love his personality and his humor and his everything. Sure, there are things that drive me crazy that he does at times, but they are not deal breakers.

We love to dance. Let me clarify - we don't love to go dancing. I mean - we love music, often have it turned up quite loudly in our house, and just love to dance together. Oh - and neither one of us can dance very well at all. In fact, we are sadly inept. We just like to have fun - and be close.

We are very affectionate and always have been. Take that exactly how you think you should. ;-) Public displays of affection? You bet! We're always hugging and kissing on one another - to the point that our oldest is always saying, "Get a room!" and Sean's response has always been, "I have a house full of them." My 90-year-old grandma is always commenting on how we are always loving on one another like a couple of kids.

We can never get enough time together. You know how some couples spend too much time together and want to kill each other? Not us. We actually put this to the test when I was pregnant with our youngest. Sean was home for three straight months without a job. It was a mighty stressful time - a time when many couples would let the stress get the best of them and begin attacking one another when they'd been together too much. We had a ball! It was so sad when he went back to work.

When things get bad, we cling to one another for dear life. When stress and circumstances are overwhelming, we are like the other one's life preserver. And I think this is one of the key things that makes our marriage work well. We do not snipe and go after one another when things get bad - and we've been through bad several times in our marriage. When all else seems to be crumbling, I have him, he has me and we stick together like glue. There is no other option.

Humor is the backbone of our family. Everything is funny to us. Everything. If you can't take a joke, then you won't be happy here. We. Love. To. Laugh. Interesting fact: Sean was voted our senior year "Most Likely to Become a Professional Comedian." There you go.

Another interesting fact: Sean and I were also voted "Most Odd Couple" our senior year. Hmmm - do you know how many divorces we've either seen or heard about? Yet here we are - odd pairing that we are.

We rarely fight. And when we do - we have this amazing ability to stop, right in the middle, and one of us will say, "This is so stupid," and hug and move on. I can't tell you how many times that has happened. Fighting is such a time vampire - and is so eroding. Plus it's simply no fun.

We do not argue in front of our children, we do not yell at one another, we have NEVER called one another names - even in our most frustrating moments. Treating one another like that is not an option.

We are best friends. He would never complain that I'm not doing enough or doing something wrong. If the laundry is piled up, he begins doing it. If the house is a mess, he doesn't ever say anything about it (though I think that's more because he doesn't care). When I'm upset, he does what it takes to stop it. When I'm sick, he takes care of me. When I've accomplished something, he rejoices. He thanks me every day for how hard I work, he thanks me every night at dinner for making it - even if it's a frozen pizza. He tells me I'm beautiful when I could scare away crows from the backyard.

Simply - we just want to live. God has guided this marriage from the beginning, though we didn't realize it then.

There's so much more about what we believe, but those are the basics. We just want to live, raise our kids to the best of our ability, have fun and be happy.

There was a time when life and circumstances were getting the best of us and we would, out of sheer exhaustion and frustration, say to one another, "I just want to live." Then we just began doing just that - living through the hard stuff, living in spite of the frustration, just living and enjoying us.

We still act like teenagers. We giggle, we make out, we act silly, we have fun. Marriage is hard work - so make it FUN!

Life Unleashed.

I am feeling unreliable lately, and that is not an emotion that I relish. Most of the time I already feel like I'm spread way too thin. Having three boys - two of which whose special needs are ruling the roost a lot of the time - is a constant juggling act. (Along with a complete parenting self-esteem buster.)

Every day is dominated by one of them; and heaven help us on the days that they both are having bad days. It leaves little time, energy, and opportunity for everyday things.

My house is always a mess.

My laundry is always piled up.

Meal execution is now often a last-minute race.

Planned events are often shot down at the very last minute, hence the unreliability factor.

I love, love, love getting out of the house and being me. Not the special needs mom, the wife, the housekeeper, the writer, the groundskeeper, etc. Just me. Either by myself, or with a friend, or with a bunch of friends - I love that time! It reminds me that I am much more than a crazy, wild-eyed, fatigued, frustrated ball of . . . this.

However, I have to take those opportunities as they come up. Often when I go to walk out the door to do something and plan on leaving one or both of the little boys with their older brother, someone erupts, something happens that makes it impossible to leave them. This is the nature of emotional problems; they are completely unpredictable. I then either have to stay home, or take the out-of-sorts one with me.

So when the opportunity - a moment when everything's going okay - surfaces, I often bolt! Unfortunately, I also often have to stay when I meant to leave when things are not okay.

The upside is that I have a super awesome husband who I don't have to "check with" to do these things. We often talk about this, and the bottom line is this: we built our relationship on this idea of "Love & Respect." Simply - be nice, be respectful, love him/her. If I need to get out, I do. If he wants to go do something, he does. We don't need permission; I do not rule over him, he does not rule over me. Out of respect, we will ask if the other has anything they need to do. But when I want to go, I do not need to worry about him being mad or upset or grumbly; and vice versa. What is the point in that?

Too many people make their marriages so complicated. Honestly, we have too much stress in other parts of our lives to be creating more for one another by being on opposite sides. There are certain things we have to work around that cannot be helped - our boys' issues, and his job. These are things we cannot control and that's that. Other than those things - why put up road blocks for one another that aren't necessary?

I love him and respect that if he wants to go to Meijer at 9pm to buy Diet Coke, then I will put the boys to bed and when he gets home, we'll have alone time! If I want to go to Starbucks and conveniently not be home until after he gets the boys asleep, he has hugs for me when I walk back in the door - not resentment!

So this is all a long way of getting out that I hope people understand, like my husband does, that I get out when I can, but that often doesn't mesh with when other people can; and this doesn't mean that I am intentionally being unreliable. It means that I'm doing the best that I can under the circumstances that I've been handed this side of heaven.

Life.

Wow. I'm so out of touch. Middle son (11) is taking up an inordinate amount of energy lately. His mood disorder is quite disruptive lately and now he's on a new med. So we're watching . . . and waiting . . . and dealing.

In other news . . . nothing. :-) We're just living, breathing, existing, enjoying summer. Not exciting, but it's all I've got right now.

Just Another Day

Today I am struggling. Life gets hard with kids with special issues and today is one of those days that seems more difficult.

Joel, my 11-year-old with a mood disorder, has an appointment with a new doctor this afternoon. This is an appointment we have waited two months for. I hate putting so much pressure on her within my own mind - pinning so much hope on one person; but we need help.

I am praying hard for wisdom and guidance. I am not one to take what a doctor says as gospel and do not just follow. I have to feel like what is being presented as a course of action for one of my children is actually the right road. I have quite a bit of experience in being told what to do with my boys with neurological deficits. I have learned (and am still learning) to follow my own instinct and what I feel God is leading us to do. It was not always this way, and I have suffered the guilt of feeling like I did the wrong thing in thinking I didn't know as much about my own child as a trained professional. It is an ongoing process.

So this morning I am having to deal with something I hadn't anticipated. Imagine that! Joel is bucking going to this new doctor and insisting that I tell him exactly why. Sounds easy, right? Well, it is not easy trying to find the right words to tell your child why he needs help, why we can't live like this, how his behavior is affecting the entire family. Especially when he's looking at you telling you he is fine.

It gets ugly. It hurts - for both of us. He's begging me not to go and trying to convince me how he's doing better. And it hurts my heart. Then the very behavior that is at issue kicks in. It's all a vicious cycle and is exhausting.

So I'm struggling. I'm struggling with the thoughts of therapy versus medication. He no longer likes the therapy, and the types of medication suggested for his issues scare the hell out of me. This is just the tip of the iceberg. And this is just one of my boys with issues.

Never feeling like you know what you're doing (+) trial and error (+) dealing with daily - no, hourly - behavior and the ensuing consequences (+) always trying to find help (+) financial pressures from the costs of said help (x) three boys (=) a lot of stress, eroding self confidence, and constant worry for your family.

So perhaps this is why it seems as though when other issues from other parts of my life rear their ugly heads, I sometimes walk away. Just walk away. It's a coping mechanism. Right or wrong, I cannot deal with another single stressor. I have enough. Right. Here.

You know how sometimes you just need support? Yeah.

My Cup Runneth Over

This morning snuggling in bed with my best friend and wishing him a happy Father's Day, the words "I feel a blog!" came rushing out of my mouth along with a giggle. To which Sean replied with something off-color that I cannot repeat here ...

Anyway . . . he was repeating a quote he once heard and has claimed for himself to dispense whenever he feels compelled:

Marriage - made in heaven, maintained on earth.

He loves this; and I love him even more because he loves this.

I, too, have a favorite saying that I have adopted. I recently bought him a card that perfectly describes the feeling I get when I look at my husband each day:

You are my greatest earthly blessing.

I truly believe this. God has blessed me with an awesome husband, terrific best friend, and wonderful father for my boys. And I have been blessed. I didn't deserve him, go looking for him, do anything to "acquire" him, or have in mind what I wanted in a husband when we got together.

God did all the work, and we've just been along for the amazing ride.

Happy Father's Day, Sean! I love you more!

Listen Up!

When God knocks, you need to listen.

This morning I'm having a particularly hard time with my middle son, Joel, who has a mood disorder. He can be quite difficult at times and completely unreasonable. This morning he seems to have rolled out of bed with all of his nerves on the outside of his body. Seemingly benign situations send him into the stratosphere. It's so much fun.

However, he has a deeply nurturing heart, which I believe is his saving grace. He also has a great talent for dealing with children younger than him. These two aspects of his personality make him an awesome older brother to our youngest, Seth, who has autism. He can often get through to his brother and bring him around when no one else can.

When it gets overwhelming dealing with the two of them and their issues, it is easy to let it get the best of me and collapse into the defeating thought process of why must we have all of this? Why two kids with diagnosed neurological deficits?

I believe I may have a small part of the answer to that after this morning.

The tables were turned. As Joel was having his very hard morning and my talking to him was sending him further into fits, Seth was able to quietly approach him and talk him down -- in the same way that Joel often does for him. And the lightbulb went off in my head. They understand one another like no one else does; and now Seth is taking what Joel has taught him by example and turning it around and using it on him.

Oh, if only we could see and know God's plans for us while we're in the midst of it all! Life would be so much easier. But God doesn't guarantee easy, he guarantees that he'll be with us through it all.

I just need to trust in his plans - even when it feels like it's all out of control, as it so often does. Thank you, God, for making me see at least one aspect of why both of these boys were given to me with issues. It's not to make it hard for me, but to make it easier for each other.

Thinking Out Loud

So it's summer at our house. Which usually means the place is trashed, boys are bickering, and I'm upping my happy pill dose.

Summer also means:

My hair is even worse than normal - mostly up every day begging to be styled . . . or washed.
Laundry piles up even more than normal - summer's too fun to spend on mundane tasks!
We nearly go broke trying to keep food in the house (three boys and their friends eat a LOT).

It also brings back the issue of the A/C. I'm a windows open, fresh air kinda person -- which directly clashes with summer heat. Around 2pm every afternoon, I'm struggling with sweat and the more sane part of my brain saying, "Turn on the $&#^$&# AIR CONDITIONING, nimrod."

I could say it is rooted in trying to be more environmentally conscious or working on saving energy and money, but that would be a lie. It's just about fresh air and having my house open.

Hey - maybe sweating profusely will take some pounds off. Always looking for the bright side.

Whew!

Life is kind of a blur right now. My oldest son graduates from high school tomorrow night. I cannot even begin to go into the emotions that is creating right now. Perhaps in a few days. But one thing I have to say is I AM NOT THAT OLD.

Our best friends next door are the same age and their oldest is eight. Other friends my age have oldest children who are four . . . two . . . one is getting ready to have another baby. For crying out loud, why does it seem that we are so much older than people the exact same age?

Well, I can tell you this. I've got a lot of experience under my belt that others my age do not. Some good, some bad - but it's all there creating emotions and guiding my reactions, making me do and think and feel things that people on the outside cannot even begin to understand. You can't until you've been through it.

For instance, I so appreciate the young staff we have at our church working with our junior and senior high. The boys love them and so do I. They bring a charisma to the table that cannot be matched, and their enthusiasm for the Lord speaks to our boys like nothing else could. At the same time, they cannot possibly fathom the weariness we parents are feeling at times; the frustrations, the fear, the panic that they are approaching adulthood faster than we can keep up with and being exposed to things that we cannot undo. That is a point-of-view that can only be understood in the thick of parenting a teen or pre-teen. You can certainly imagine it, but you can't know it.

Add to these things raising three boys with three differently diagnosed neurological issues, and then you really narrow the field of those who can comprehend what goes into why you act and react the way you do to seemingly small things. Unless you have shadowed me and all of my experiences over the last 18 years, there really is no way you can fathom what it's been like. And it really would take day in and day out experience to get it.

What I do appreciate and am incredibly grateful for are those who do not tell me they understand or that I am wrong for feeling what I do, but do remind me of the most important things that should not be falling off of my radar at all: that I have three awesome, wonderful boys who were given to me for a reason. That I was chosen to raise them and God knew what he was doing when he did that - even when I feel like I have no idea what I am doing after all these parenting years!

No - in my own case, experience does not equal expertise. Not by a long shot. It does mean I know more and have been through more - and explains the look on my face most of the time.

So one almost down and two to go. And what I mean by that is that I've gotten one to adulthood with all of his limbs still attached and no money spent on bail.

And the most important thing? He knows Jesus and his heart is the Lord's. How could I possibly ask for more?

22 Years

Twenty-two years ago this evening, Sean and I had our first kiss. We'd already known one another since the first day of 7th grade, but shared a secret kiss in the kitchen of our high school cafeteria during the prom that we were servers at (as 10th graders), and the rest is history.

And we've packed a lot of history into those years, for sure!

We grow closer with each passing year, and have more fun now than ever before. We've always said it's a miracle that we grew in the same direction, being so young when we got together. We truly believe that God led us to one another and has been leading us ever since.

Married for 17 years now, he makes me laugh like no other person and still makes me swoon like a teenager on a daily basis. I can't wait to see him walk through the door every night.

Through it all, we barely even argue. Honestly, it's just not worth the time. It's way more fun being happy! I'm so blessed to be married to my best friend.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, God.