Just Another Day

Today I am struggling. Life gets hard with kids with special issues and today is one of those days that seems more difficult.

Joel, my 11-year-old with a mood disorder, has an appointment with a new doctor this afternoon. This is an appointment we have waited two months for. I hate putting so much pressure on her within my own mind - pinning so much hope on one person; but we need help.

I am praying hard for wisdom and guidance. I am not one to take what a doctor says as gospel and do not just follow. I have to feel like what is being presented as a course of action for one of my children is actually the right road. I have quite a bit of experience in being told what to do with my boys with neurological deficits. I have learned (and am still learning) to follow my own instinct and what I feel God is leading us to do. It was not always this way, and I have suffered the guilt of feeling like I did the wrong thing in thinking I didn't know as much about my own child as a trained professional. It is an ongoing process.

So this morning I am having to deal with something I hadn't anticipated. Imagine that! Joel is bucking going to this new doctor and insisting that I tell him exactly why. Sounds easy, right? Well, it is not easy trying to find the right words to tell your child why he needs help, why we can't live like this, how his behavior is affecting the entire family. Especially when he's looking at you telling you he is fine.

It gets ugly. It hurts - for both of us. He's begging me not to go and trying to convince me how he's doing better. And it hurts my heart. Then the very behavior that is at issue kicks in. It's all a vicious cycle and is exhausting.

So I'm struggling. I'm struggling with the thoughts of therapy versus medication. He no longer likes the therapy, and the types of medication suggested for his issues scare the hell out of me. This is just the tip of the iceberg. And this is just one of my boys with issues.

Never feeling like you know what you're doing (+) trial and error (+) dealing with daily - no, hourly - behavior and the ensuing consequences (+) always trying to find help (+) financial pressures from the costs of said help (x) three boys (=) a lot of stress, eroding self confidence, and constant worry for your family.

So perhaps this is why it seems as though when other issues from other parts of my life rear their ugly heads, I sometimes walk away. Just walk away. It's a coping mechanism. Right or wrong, I cannot deal with another single stressor. I have enough. Right. Here.

You know how sometimes you just need support? Yeah.