Monday, June 22, 2009

Just Another Day

Today I am struggling. Life gets hard with kids with special issues and today is one of those days that seems more difficult.

Joel, my 11-year-old with a mood disorder, has an appointment with a new doctor this afternoon. This is an appointment we have waited two months for. I hate putting so much pressure on her within my own mind - pinning so much hope on one person; but we need help.

I am praying hard for wisdom and guidance. I am not one to take what a doctor says as gospel and do not just follow. I have to feel like what is being presented as a course of action for one of my children is actually the right road. I have quite a bit of experience in being told what to do with my boys with neurological deficits. I have learned (and am still learning) to follow my own instinct and what I feel God is leading us to do. It was not always this way, and I have suffered the guilt of feeling like I did the wrong thing in thinking I didn't know as much about my own child as a trained professional. It is an ongoing process.

So this morning I am having to deal with something I hadn't anticipated. Imagine that! Joel is bucking going to this new doctor and insisting that I tell him exactly why. Sounds easy, right? Well, it is not easy trying to find the right words to tell your child why he needs help, why we can't live like this, how his behavior is affecting the entire family. Especially when he's looking at you telling you he is fine.

It gets ugly. It hurts - for both of us. He's begging me not to go and trying to convince me how he's doing better. And it hurts my heart. Then the very behavior that is at issue kicks in. It's all a vicious cycle and is exhausting.

So I'm struggling. I'm struggling with the thoughts of therapy versus medication. He no longer likes the therapy, and the types of medication suggested for his issues scare the hell out of me. This is just the tip of the iceberg. And this is just one of my boys with issues.

Never feeling like you know what you're doing (+) trial and error (+) dealing with daily - no, hourly - behavior and the ensuing consequences (+) always trying to find help (+) financial pressures from the costs of said help (x) three boys (=) a lot of stress, eroding self confidence, and constant worry for your family.
So perhaps this is why it seems as though when other issues from other parts of my life rear their ugly heads, I sometimes walk away. Just walk away. It's a coping mechanism. Right or wrong, I cannot deal with another single stressor. I have enough. Right. Here.

You know how sometimes you just need support? Yeah.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

My Cup Runneth Over

This morning snuggling in bed with my best friend and wishing him a happy Father's Day, the words "I feel a blog!" came rushing out of my mouth along with a giggle. To which Sean replied with something off-color that I cannot repeat here ...

Anyway . . . he was repeating a quote he once heard and has claimed for himself to dispense whenever he feels compelled:
Marriage - made in heaven, maintained on earth.
He loves this; and I love him even more because he loves this.

I, too, have a favorite saying that I have adopted. I recently bought him a card that perfectly describes the feeling I get when I look at my husband each day:
You are my greatest earthly blessing.
I truly believe this. God has blessed me with an awesome husband, terrific best friend, and wonderful father for my boys. And I have been blessed. I didn't deserve him, go looking for him, do anything to "acquire" him, or have in mind what I wanted in a husband when we got together.

God did all the work, and we've just been along for the amazing ride.

Happy Father's Day, Sean! I love you more!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Listen Up!

When God knocks, you need to listen.

This morning I'm having a particularly hard time with my middle son, Joel, who has a mood disorder. He can be quite difficult at times and completely unreasonable. This morning he seems to have rolled out of bed with all of his nerves on the outside of his body. Seemingly benign situations send him into the stratosphere. It's so much fun.

However, he has a deeply nurturing heart, which I believe is his saving grace. He also has a great talent for dealing with children younger than him. These two aspects of his personality make him an awesome older brother to our youngest, Seth, who has autism. He can often get through to his brother and bring him around when no one else can.

When it gets overwhelming dealing with the two of them and their issues, it is easy to let it get the best of me and collapse into the defeating thought process of why must we have all of this? Why two kids with diagnosed neurological deficits?

I believe I may have a small part of the answer to that after this morning.

The tables were turned. As Joel was having his very hard morning and my talking to him was sending him further into fits, Seth was able to quietly approach him and talk him down -- in the same way that Joel often does for him. And the lightbulb went off in my head. They understand one another like no one else does; and now Seth is taking what Joel has taught him by example and turning it around and using it on him.

Oh, if only we could see and know God's plans for us while we're in the midst of it all! Life would be so much easier. But God doesn't guarantee easy, he guarantees that he'll be with us through it all.

I just need to trust in his plans - even when it feels like it's all out of control, as it so often does. Thank you, God, for making me see at least one aspect of why both of these boys were given to me with issues. It's not to make it hard for me, but to make it easier for each other.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Thinking Out Loud

So it's summer at our house. Which usually means the place is trashed, boys are bickering, and I'm upping my happy pill dose.

Summer also means:

My hair is even worse than normal - mostly up every day begging to be styled . . . or washed.
Laundry piles up even more than normal - summer's too fun to spend on mundane tasks!
We nearly go broke trying to keep food in the house (three boys and their friends eat a LOT).

It also brings back the issue of the A/C. I'm a windows open, fresh air kinda person -- which directly clashes with summer heat. Around 2pm every afternoon, I'm struggling with sweat and the more sane part of my brain saying, "Turn on the $&#^$&# AIR CONDITIONING, nimrod."

I could say it is rooted in trying to be more environmentally conscious or working on saving energy and money, but that would be a lie. It's just about fresh air and having my house open.

Hey - maybe sweating profusely will take some pounds off. Always looking for the bright side.