Thursday, February 17, 2011

Gosh, This Really Kinda Stinks.

So, it's been awhile. Probably due to the contents of the previous post. Not much has changed.

I am focusing my emotions on things that are sure bets right now for sheer survival.

Sure bet #1: I love my job. No matter how obnoxious and chaotic it is at work, I am happy. Yesterday we had 40 dogs by 9:00 a.m. It seemed that most of them either forgot we have a dog door or were uninterested in going into the potty yard that is a wet mess right now due to all the melting snow that the city of Carmel transported and dumped in the parking lot that we share. The playroom seemed as great a place as any for all of them to pee and poop and puke in. All. morning. long.

The barking was out of control - as out of control as I let it get with my outstanding use of the shrill fingers-in-the-mouth whistle that I perfected as a teenager. Our two biggest howlers were on site yesterday trying their best to out-shrill my whistles. This gets the whole group going into "howl fests" which makes you want to crawl into a hole and dig to China when you have the noise sensory issues that I do.

But this all makes me happy because it is an escape. Plus these dogs love you no matter what. And they listen better than human kids do.

Sure bet #2: My husband is my best friend; and we cling to one another like plane crash survivors floating in the sea sharing a raft. We are both feeling completely defeated right now, but to turn on one another like so many spouses do in times of turmoil has never been our style. We are the ones who, floating on that raft, joke about the sharks circling us and make fun of that one's weird, bent fin. A little maniacal, yes, but that's just us. Ever hear us joke about autism? This is why. Caught a piece of a completely inappropriate conversation we are having and laughing about while walking through Sam's Club? This is why. We are surviving the best way we know how - by making light of it - or anything - for a laugh. Because laughter is our life support.

Sure bet #3: My family. My mom and dad, brother and sister - they are more than anyone could ask for. I can tell my sister that a mental breakdown is imminent, and the next thing I know, she is here. And we are laughing and peeing our pants in a restaurant and crying over emotions surrounding her recent trip to visit one of her adoptive sons' birth family. She doesn't try to solve anything, or tell me what I'm doing wrong or shake her finger at how I'm acting or feeling. She just listens, and hugs me, and laughs with me. I can text with my brother that I just received yet another teacher email, and he's texting right back with me no matter what he's doing at the time. I can call my mom and dad, and no matter which one of them answers, I can just start unloading or come undone without worrying about what they will say or do. I know they understand because they spend so much time with my kids and us that they feel it, too.

Sure bet #4: I know I have certain people praying very hard for my family. And no matter how much faith I am losing myself, they are rock solid for us.

Beyond these things right now, I'm not feeling very emotionally confident about much of anything else. In fact, losing confidence in just about everything else is what I'm doing. I feel incredibly lonely.

The sharpest bite right now is the bitterness over the feeling that much of what I do is one way. Meaning, when I stop doing what I'm doing, then it becomes painfully obvious that I was the only one moving - the only one pouring myself into whatever it is. I can plug this algorithm into a number of areas, and the outcome is, well, just like you think it would feel.

The good thing about that is this (see? still trying to find the good ...) - my house is a complete and utter trashed disaster. Since I can't tell you the last time another adult - anyone - came to my house besides my mom, dad, and sister - and my family for Christmas (see sure bet #3), it's not so bad that it's so out of control. I know that no one will ever see it.

So I go, go, go. I go to the church and do my volunteer job. So I see people then. And I go to work - so I see people then. I go to run errands, so I see people in stores. I go here and I go there. I go because if I don't do the going, I don't have the interaction. But you know what? I've recently become tired of the going. And the planning. And the doing.

I have started not doing the going unless I have to. Which, of course, isolates me more, which amplifies the feelings, which makes it all the more painfully obvious that I do all the doing. But, that's just the way it has to be. I'm sitting back, getting a clear, true picture of my life - taking stock, taking score, seeing what's true and what I thought was true but was really all just me making something work - and moving from there.

I don't know where it will take me, but a clear picture is coming forth. And no matter how painful it is, it's something that is true and unmanipulated by me. This is what I need to see. Because you know what they say - when you keep doing the same things and getting the same disappointing results, why are you surprised? Right now, I am doing what I have to do and that is it.

This is me not doing the same things and hoping for different results. So far, the results are even more disappointing - but they are different. This is what I need to see and figure out.

And I will, with my best friend and a lot of inappropriate laughter.