I am feeling unreliable lately, and that is not an emotion that I relish. Most of the time I already feel like I'm spread way too thin. Having three boys - two of which whose special needs are ruling the roost a lot of the time - is a constant juggling act. (Along with a complete parenting self-esteem buster.)
Every day is dominated by one of them; and heaven help us on the days that they both are having bad days. It leaves little time, energy, and opportunity for everyday things.
My house is always a mess.
My laundry is always piled up.
Meal execution is now often a last-minute race.
Planned events are often shot down at the very last minute, hence the unreliability factor.
I love, love, love getting out of the house and being me. Not the special needs mom, the wife, the housekeeper, the writer, the groundskeeper, etc. Just me. Either by myself, or with a friend, or with a bunch of friends - I love that time! It reminds me that I am much more than a crazy, wild-eyed, fatigued, frustrated ball of . . . this.
However, I have to take those opportunities as they come up. Often when I go to walk out the door to do something and plan on leaving one or both of the little boys with their older brother, someone erupts, something happens that makes it impossible to leave them. This is the nature of emotional problems; they are completely unpredictable. I then either have to stay home, or take the out-of-sorts one with me.
So when the opportunity - a moment when everything's going okay - surfaces, I often bolt! Unfortunately, I also often have to stay when I meant to leave when things are not okay.
The upside is that I have a super awesome husband who I don't have to "check with" to do these things. We often talk about this, and the bottom line is this: we built our relationship on this idea of "Love & Respect." Simply - be nice, be respectful, love him/her. If I need to get out, I do. If he wants to go do something, he does. We don't need permission; I do not rule over him, he does not rule over me. Out of respect, we will ask if the other has anything they need to do. But when I want to go, I do not need to worry about him being mad or upset or grumbly; and vice versa. What is the point in that?
Too many people make their marriages so complicated. Honestly, we have too much stress in other parts of our lives to be creating more for one another by being on opposite sides. There are certain things we have to work around that cannot be helped - our boys' issues, and his job. These are things we cannot control and that's that. Other than those things - why put up road blocks for one another that aren't necessary?
I love him and respect that if he wants to go to Meijer at 9pm to buy Diet Coke, then I will put the boys to bed and when he gets home, we'll have alone time! If I want to go to Starbucks and conveniently not be home until after he gets the boys asleep, he has hugs for me when I walk back in the door - not resentment!
So this is all a long way of getting out that I hope people understand, like my husband does, that I get out when I can, but that often doesn't mesh with when other people can; and this doesn't mean that I am intentionally being unreliable. It means that I'm doing the best that I can under the circumstances that I've been handed this side of heaven.