Sunday, March 29, 2009
Autism kicked my butt today. Really. Whomped me good. And I don't like to admit defeat.
However, after 15 straight minutes of trying to get our 5-year-old into his church classroom, I gave up in utter defeat. Not defeat like - okay you're coming into our service.
No, defeat like - I took his hand and walked him (with my husband trailing behind wondering what I was doing) back through the church biting my lip to hold back the tears. Defeat like - I grabbed my coat and LEFT.
I knew I was going to blow, and I didn't want to sit in a pew during service crying my eyes out over the fact that my son's special needs had gotten the best of me. Of course, I probably would have walked out feeling much better after being there and listening to the message. But at the moment, I just wanted it all to stop.
So instead I cried all the way home - quietly, so he wouldn't know I was crying and think that it was his fault. He can't help it. As bad as I feel, it has to feel a thousand times worse for him.
Most days I handle this role I've been given with as much grace as I possibly can. Then there are days like today, when I dig as deep as I can and still can't find it in me.
I know I am incredibly blessed to have these three boys, each with their different needs and issues; and I love them beyond measure.
Here's hoping that this week brings renewed strength and a fresh outlook.
photo by davi sommerfeld