Sunday, February 15, 2009

Round And Round

Sometimes hitting rock bottom in a situation is, well, just what has to happen. However, that doesn't mean that the fall is any less painful or the climb back up is any easier.

I do not like admitting when I'm being defeated or that I'm not handling something well; but at the same time, I often spend an inordinate amount of emotional energy talking myself out of believing that I can, indeed, accomplish this or that. And yes, it is that fun being inside my head.

All three of my sons (18, 10, and 5) have different, but equally difficult issues that they (and we) must deal with on a daily basis. One was diagnosed with severe inattentive ADD, one has a mood disorder, and one has an autism spectrum disorder. These issues are not only exhausting to deal with on their own, but exacerbate one another within our family as a whole.

It is not unlike having several tops spinning near one another all the time. On their own, they are spinning at different rates, going in different directions and wildly going round and round. But when one happens to make contact with another, one or both can be sent violently off in another direction, or they can get tangled up and make each other self-destruct right there.

Right now, my family seems to be spinning and spinning and sending one another in catastrophic directions. It is no fun, and I'm ready for the game to end. Something more calm would be nice for awhile; say, for instance, a nice fun evening of who-can-stay-quiet-the-longest. Cash prizes are not out of the realm of possibility (always be willing to go that extra mile).

Once again, I am feeling paralyzed - wondering what in the world God put within me to enable me to handle all of this. I'm not sure how to tap into it, but I know it must be there because He doesn't make mistakes with His creations.

Which brings me to my last point. God created every one of us, including my boys with their issues, in His own image. And sometimes when I look into each of their blue eyes, I feel like I'm looking straight into the eyes of God and can see all of the potential He placed within them.

I only wish I could see that in myself sometimes.

Photo by Mykl Roventine.


  1. As your mother, I look into YOUR blue eyes and see all that potential he has put in YOU. But there is more...I am seeing you live out that potential as you look to Him for wisdom, strength and grace. If only you could see the growth that I see in's there, and there's much more ahead, just as in all of us. It's a life long process, just as it will be in those precious boys.

  2. It is very hard to see our own potential, we are our own worst critics. Those boys will grow into adults that show love and devotion to someone else and to God, because that is what their mother showed/gave them. Holly, think of how much different this world would be if EVERY mother loved their child the way you love your boys!