Just Another Day

Today I am struggling. Life gets hard with kids with special issues and today is one of those days that seems more difficult.

Joel, my 11-year-old with a mood disorder, has an appointment with a new doctor this afternoon. This is an appointment we have waited two months for. I hate putting so much pressure on her within my own mind - pinning so much hope on one person; but we need help.

I am praying hard for wisdom and guidance. I am not one to take what a doctor says as gospel and do not just follow. I have to feel like what is being presented as a course of action for one of my children is actually the right road. I have quite a bit of experience in being told what to do with my boys with neurological deficits. I have learned (and am still learning) to follow my own instinct and what I feel God is leading us to do. It was not always this way, and I have suffered the guilt of feeling like I did the wrong thing in thinking I didn't know as much about my own child as a trained professional. It is an ongoing process.

So this morning I am having to deal with something I hadn't anticipated. Imagine that! Joel is bucking going to this new doctor and insisting that I tell him exactly why. Sounds easy, right? Well, it is not easy trying to find the right words to tell your child why he needs help, why we can't live like this, how his behavior is affecting the entire family. Especially when he's looking at you telling you he is fine.

It gets ugly. It hurts - for both of us. He's begging me not to go and trying to convince me how he's doing better. And it hurts my heart. Then the very behavior that is at issue kicks in. It's all a vicious cycle and is exhausting.

So I'm struggling. I'm struggling with the thoughts of therapy versus medication. He no longer likes the therapy, and the types of medication suggested for his issues scare the hell out of me. This is just the tip of the iceberg. And this is just one of my boys with issues.

Never feeling like you know what you're doing (+) trial and error (+) dealing with daily - no, hourly - behavior and the ensuing consequences (+) always trying to find help (+) financial pressures from the costs of said help (x) three boys (=) a lot of stress, eroding self confidence, and constant worry for your family.

So perhaps this is why it seems as though when other issues from other parts of my life rear their ugly heads, I sometimes walk away. Just walk away. It's a coping mechanism. Right or wrong, I cannot deal with another single stressor. I have enough. Right. Here.

You know how sometimes you just need support? Yeah.

My Cup Runneth Over

This morning snuggling in bed with my best friend and wishing him a happy Father's Day, the words "I feel a blog!" came rushing out of my mouth along with a giggle. To which Sean replied with something off-color that I cannot repeat here ...

Anyway . . . he was repeating a quote he once heard and has claimed for himself to dispense whenever he feels compelled:

Marriage - made in heaven, maintained on earth.

He loves this; and I love him even more because he loves this.

I, too, have a favorite saying that I have adopted. I recently bought him a card that perfectly describes the feeling I get when I look at my husband each day:

You are my greatest earthly blessing.

I truly believe this. God has blessed me with an awesome husband, terrific best friend, and wonderful father for my boys. And I have been blessed. I didn't deserve him, go looking for him, do anything to "acquire" him, or have in mind what I wanted in a husband when we got together.

God did all the work, and we've just been along for the amazing ride.

Happy Father's Day, Sean! I love you more!

Listen Up!

When God knocks, you need to listen.

This morning I'm having a particularly hard time with my middle son, Joel, who has a mood disorder. He can be quite difficult at times and completely unreasonable. This morning he seems to have rolled out of bed with all of his nerves on the outside of his body. Seemingly benign situations send him into the stratosphere. It's so much fun.

However, he has a deeply nurturing heart, which I believe is his saving grace. He also has a great talent for dealing with children younger than him. These two aspects of his personality make him an awesome older brother to our youngest, Seth, who has autism. He can often get through to his brother and bring him around when no one else can.

When it gets overwhelming dealing with the two of them and their issues, it is easy to let it get the best of me and collapse into the defeating thought process of why must we have all of this? Why two kids with diagnosed neurological deficits?

I believe I may have a small part of the answer to that after this morning.

The tables were turned. As Joel was having his very hard morning and my talking to him was sending him further into fits, Seth was able to quietly approach him and talk him down -- in the same way that Joel often does for him. And the lightbulb went off in my head. They understand one another like no one else does; and now Seth is taking what Joel has taught him by example and turning it around and using it on him.

Oh, if only we could see and know God's plans for us while we're in the midst of it all! Life would be so much easier. But God doesn't guarantee easy, he guarantees that he'll be with us through it all.

I just need to trust in his plans - even when it feels like it's all out of control, as it so often does. Thank you, God, for making me see at least one aspect of why both of these boys were given to me with issues. It's not to make it hard for me, but to make it easier for each other.

Thinking Out Loud

So it's summer at our house. Which usually means the place is trashed, boys are bickering, and I'm upping my happy pill dose.

Summer also means:

My hair is even worse than normal - mostly up every day begging to be styled . . . or washed.
Laundry piles up even more than normal - summer's too fun to spend on mundane tasks!
We nearly go broke trying to keep food in the house (three boys and their friends eat a LOT).

It also brings back the issue of the A/C. I'm a windows open, fresh air kinda person -- which directly clashes with summer heat. Around 2pm every afternoon, I'm struggling with sweat and the more sane part of my brain saying, "Turn on the $&#^$&# AIR CONDITIONING, nimrod."

I could say it is rooted in trying to be more environmentally conscious or working on saving energy and money, but that would be a lie. It's just about fresh air and having my house open.

Hey - maybe sweating profusely will take some pounds off. Always looking for the bright side.

Whew!

Life is kind of a blur right now. My oldest son graduates from high school tomorrow night. I cannot even begin to go into the emotions that is creating right now. Perhaps in a few days. But one thing I have to say is I AM NOT THAT OLD.

Our best friends next door are the same age and their oldest is eight. Other friends my age have oldest children who are four . . . two . . . one is getting ready to have another baby. For crying out loud, why does it seem that we are so much older than people the exact same age?

Well, I can tell you this. I've got a lot of experience under my belt that others my age do not. Some good, some bad - but it's all there creating emotions and guiding my reactions, making me do and think and feel things that people on the outside cannot even begin to understand. You can't until you've been through it.

For instance, I so appreciate the young staff we have at our church working with our junior and senior high. The boys love them and so do I. They bring a charisma to the table that cannot be matched, and their enthusiasm for the Lord speaks to our boys like nothing else could. At the same time, they cannot possibly fathom the weariness we parents are feeling at times; the frustrations, the fear, the panic that they are approaching adulthood faster than we can keep up with and being exposed to things that we cannot undo. That is a point-of-view that can only be understood in the thick of parenting a teen or pre-teen. You can certainly imagine it, but you can't know it.

Add to these things raising three boys with three differently diagnosed neurological issues, and then you really narrow the field of those who can comprehend what goes into why you act and react the way you do to seemingly small things. Unless you have shadowed me and all of my experiences over the last 18 years, there really is no way you can fathom what it's been like. And it really would take day in and day out experience to get it.

What I do appreciate and am incredibly grateful for are those who do not tell me they understand or that I am wrong for feeling what I do, but do remind me of the most important things that should not be falling off of my radar at all: that I have three awesome, wonderful boys who were given to me for a reason. That I was chosen to raise them and God knew what he was doing when he did that - even when I feel like I have no idea what I am doing after all these parenting years!

No - in my own case, experience does not equal expertise. Not by a long shot. It does mean I know more and have been through more - and explains the look on my face most of the time.

So one almost down and two to go. And what I mean by that is that I've gotten one to adulthood with all of his limbs still attached and no money spent on bail.

And the most important thing? He knows Jesus and his heart is the Lord's. How could I possibly ask for more?

22 Years

Twenty-two years ago this evening, Sean and I had our first kiss. We'd already known one another since the first day of 7th grade, but shared a secret kiss in the kitchen of our high school cafeteria during the prom that we were servers at (as 10th graders), and the rest is history.

And we've packed a lot of history into those years, for sure!

We grow closer with each passing year, and have more fun now than ever before. We've always said it's a miracle that we grew in the same direction, being so young when we got together. We truly believe that God led us to one another and has been leading us ever since.

Married for 17 years now, he makes me laugh like no other person and still makes me swoon like a teenager on a daily basis. I can't wait to see him walk through the door every night.

Through it all, we barely even argue. Honestly, it's just not worth the time. It's way more fun being happy! I'm so blessed to be married to my best friend.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, God.

Well, That Was Fun

Today was a miraculously bad day. I'm thinking one of the top 10 worst days I've had. This year.

Let's not go into micro-details, for that would help no one. But suffice it to say, I was at one point sitting in tears asking if God could just please give me a month, a week, a day without special needs in my life.

My head pounding, my 18-year-old's rock band practicing in the basement (and our walls and floors are apparently made of something similar to tissue paper), my 6-year-old autistic son screaming and kicking his bedroom door instead of picking up the clothes on his floor - and my 11-year-old decides it would be a super neat idea to randomly spray sunscreen all over the glass doors leading to the screen porch. And then deny doing it. Over and over. While my head spins around on my shoulders preparing to explode.

Having all boys is like no other thing on earth. Having all boys each with his own diagnosed neurological issues is like no other thing in this universe. I know I'm not the only one going through it, but I'm the only one I know going through it.

I know. I know. I was chosen for this role. Long before I was born, God had his plan for me all laid out. Mrs. Zipps tells me that even though it doesn't feel like it, I'm doing a good job. (I made her stay on the phone with me today for an agonizingly long time while I came unglued at the seams dealing with Seth).

I'm not feelin' it right now. Perhaps after a (good?) night's sleep, life will feel different. At least I'll be one day closer to heaven.

"Our struggles are times to grow."

Are You Second?

There are some inspiring stories at I Am Second. Thank you, Justin, for bringing this site to my attention. He is the senior high pastor at our church and they viewed some of these videos last Sunday.

One of my favorites was Pete Briscoe choking up on how Jesus is "passionately crazy" about him whether he's doing well or not . . . whether he just sinned miserably or not; and coming to grips with the depth of Christ's love for him.

I also enjoyed Brian Welch from Korn, and John Meador accepting his disability as a conduit for God's glory was amazing.

I encourage you to take the time to sit back and watch some of these. Your faith will skip a beat as you listen to their stories.

This Is NOT Why I'm Fat

This may be the grossest thing I've ever seen. Meat cake - meat loaf "iced" with mashed potatoes and ketchup. Scoop of ice cream with that?

The site This Is Why You're Fat is full of the grossest, most vile concoctions imaginable - including my personal favorites, chocolate-covered bacon and the sloppy joe on a Krispy Kreme. Of course I couldn't stop looking. Thank you, StumbleUpon, for this gem.

Check it out for your daily GAG.

DRINK COFFEE. DO GOOD.

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Drink Coffee. Do Good! from Catalyst on Vimeo.