Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Broken.


 Hello, internet. How are you?

I've been seriously bogged down with life lately. I have so much to write about on here, but no time with which to write it. Life with two kids on the autism spectrum alone makes life in this home spin out of bounds. Add to that the normal things of everyday life - seven-year-old's basketball season, the new dog and his training, working part-time, volunteering, running a household with three boys, and trying to get fundraising up and going for the 12-year-old's mission trip - and there is little left over.

I've been trying my best to get through it with my chin up, but this past couple of weeks have been overwhelmingly discouraging in the parenting arena. I feel like it's Sean and me in one corner and Goliath in the other, but neither of us has a sling shot or enough faith to even get out of the fetal position.We are defeated.

So we just cling to one another and keep trying. But the trying is losing steam. Fast.

I know I can't just give up. But I am out of reserves and am feeling like I'm wandering through the hot, sunny desert in need of just a drop of water. I see mirages in the form of weekly therapy and meds that cost us over $600/month. But lately those seem just like that - something that looks to be effective, yet in the end things don't change. Leaving ourselves with nothing left after each paycheck with little obvious return right now is a hard pill to swallow.

I want to scream at teachers that I DON'T KNOW anymore. PLEASE DON'T CALL ME OR EMAIL ME. I want to be one of those parents who sends their kids to school with the attitude that my kids are their problem from 7:30-2:30 and that education and behavior there is not my deal.

So apparently I want to be completely irresponsible.

All of this sounds awful and horrible and so unlike me. This is what I am saying. I am not me right now and am having a helluva time finding a reason not to chuck it all and just say whatever. There are tons of rotten parents out there whose kids somehow turn out great. And my trying to be as excellent a parent as possible is turning out a lot like turning on a full blender without the lid.

A gigantic mess.

There is so much more than I am willing to write about here. Our home is not a happy one right now, and this saddens me the most. Because all Sean and I really want at the end of the day is peace in our home. Laughter with our kids. Fun. Contentment.

I know the most important thing is one to focus on. Every person in this home is a Christian. To that end, we have done our job as parents. We have given our children the gift of God and what he has for us and they have each chosen his path.

I know that life here on earth is messy and may be horrible every day until we go to heaven. I know these things. But really? Just a little easier for a little while would be so nice.

I know this is all very selfish and whiny. For that, I'm sorry.

Now I will go hug a puppy.


photo by Bartek Ambrozik

4 comments:

  1. hi, holly. i've had your blog entry open on my desk since i read it, and it's been on my mind and in my prayers.

    i'm sorry you're feeling broken. what's more, you needn't apologize for feeling that way.

    ever.

    you get up, you love your family, you soldier on, and sometimes it's just too much and you feel broken.

    so complain some, retreat some, take care of yourself and be gentle. take some deep breaths and know that if you're broken today or tomorrow or even still into next week or next month you're still going to be ok.

    i've been those teachers sitting at the table, wanting you to step in and make our classrooms neater by controlling your child while you're not there.

    i've also been the teachers who want to really, genuinely team up with you for effective strategies to tightly wrap your kid in a stable model home-to-school.

    i have also been the teachers who understand that at the school there's a whole big team of us and that at home it's just you and your husband and sometimes you're just honkin' tired.

    maybe you can talk frankly with your kids' teachers that way, and maybe you can't.

    they've been around the block and they know what really irresponsible parents look like, and they know what overstressed parents look like.

    go ahead and take a vacation from being involved in the school plan if home is all you can manage.

    heck, go ahead and take a vacation from the home plan and let a lot of things slide for a while if it's all you can manage.

    the bottom line is that you're one small family with a lot of challenges and there's a lot of pressure in the world to be perfect and sunny while you do it, too.


    so i have no real advice for you, other than to relax a little about whether you're good enough or what people think or whether or not you have a right to whine or grumble.

    if you want to complain or not, i'm here to read (wandered in by accident- hope you don't mind) and either way just know that somewhere out here is a random stranger who is thinking of you and wishing you well.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement! I am grateful for each one.

    My son's team at school (the 12-year-old's) is actually very awesome. And they appreciate how hard we work from this end - and tell us that often.

    So I'm really just fed up to HERE with my life in general and the fact that nothing seems to make a difference. Anywhere.

    Again - thank you so much. You have no idea how much these words mean and how far they can carry me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. From a complete stranger, but a sister in Christ... I came to this verse today and it sounds like you could use it too!

    I call to GOD, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.
    — Psalm 55:16-17

    Along with it is my blog post on that verse. Please take a moment to read it, you can start to follow me if you would like but not necessary! God Bless You and your family!!

    http://herearemydailythoughts.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
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