Hello, internet. How are you?
I've been seriously bogged down with life lately. I have so much to write about on here, but no time with which to write it. Life with two kids on the autism spectrum alone makes life in this home spin out of bounds. Add to that the normal things of everyday life - seven-year-old's basketball season, the new dog and his training, working part-time, volunteering, running a household with three boys, and trying to get fundraising up and going for the 12-year-old's mission trip - and there is little left over.
I've been trying my best to get through it with my chin up, but this past couple of weeks have been overwhelmingly discouraging in the parenting arena. I feel like it's Sean and me in one corner and Goliath in the other, but neither of us has a sling shot or enough faith to even get out of the fetal position.We are defeated.
So we just cling to one another and keep trying. But the trying is losing steam. Fast.
I know I can't just give up. But I am out of reserves and am feeling like I'm wandering through the hot, sunny desert in need of just a drop of water. I see mirages in the form of weekly therapy and meds that cost us over $600/month. But lately those seem just like that - something that looks to be effective, yet in the end things don't change. Leaving ourselves with nothing left after each paycheck with little obvious return right now is a hard pill to swallow.
I want to scream at teachers that I DON'T KNOW anymore. PLEASE DON'T CALL ME OR EMAIL ME. I want to be one of those parents who sends their kids to school with the attitude that my kids are their problem from 7:30-2:30 and that education and behavior there is not my deal.
So apparently I want to be completely irresponsible.
All of this sounds awful and horrible and so unlike me. This is what I am saying. I am not me right now and am having a helluva time finding a reason not to chuck it all and just say whatever. There are tons of rotten parents out there whose kids somehow turn out great. And my trying to be as excellent a parent as possible is turning out a lot like turning on a full blender without the lid.
A gigantic mess.
There is so much more than I am willing to write about here. Our home is not a happy one right now, and this saddens me the most. Because all Sean and I really want at the end of the day is peace in our home. Laughter with our kids. Fun. Contentment.
I know the most important thing is one to focus on. Every person in this home is a Christian. To that end, we have done our job as parents. We have given our children the gift of God and what he has for us and they have each chosen his path.
I know that life here on earth is messy and may be horrible every day until we go to heaven. I know these things. But really? Just a little easier for a little while would be so nice.
I know this is all very selfish and whiny. For that, I'm sorry.
Now I will go hug a puppy.
photo by Bartek Ambrozik
