Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Losin' It

I am losing faith. Faith in what, you ask? I'm not entirely sure. I'm trying to pinpoint what exactly this feeling is; this something-is-slipping-from-me-and-I-can-feel-it-but-not-stop-it feeling.

Faith in people? Faith in the process of life on earth? Faith in fairness? Faith in my continuing belief in doing the right thing when it seems to be an exercise in futility much of the time?

Have you ever been hit so hard with the realization that you are having absolutely no effect on a situation that you felt as though you'd just had the wind knocked out of you? Furthermore, have you ever been hit so hard with the realization that someone you thought knew you well is so far from knowing you and your heart that it makes you question your interactions with everyone else you know? Like - if this is what this person sees, what does everyone else see of me? Is this what I portray? Is this who I am to other people?

For instance, I was once told by someone I thought knew me very well that I act as though I think my family is better than anyone else's. If you've spent more than one hour with me and know anything about what I deal with and how little self-confidence I have in my abilities as a parent, this has to be as laughable a statement to you as it is to me. Right? But it happened. This was what someone close perceived of me.

More recently, when I was in a conversation with someone and mentioned, " . . . with the issues I have to deal with every day [with my two younger boys' diagnoses and issues] ..." I was mocked for portraying my life "as a big sob story" and called a martyr. To my face.

I am losing faith. In what, again? Well, I suppose I'm losing faith in, among other things, my own ability to do life in a manner that is anywhere in the zip code of what is appropriate to others. I am losing faith in being able to sustain a relationship outside those of my marriage and with my parents, brother and sister.

As I said in a previous post, I cannot seem to keep things to myself. Because if I could, I would have kept these incidents - that have stayed with me deeply - to myself. It is humiliating to know that is how someone sees me. It is disheartening to know that all my actions and beliefs in how to act and treat people and what to do with my time and energy seemingly amounts to this - at least to some. And it makes me want to shut down.

Why? Why would I let something like this dictate what I do or say or how I act? Because things like this affect me deeply. Yes, I am emotionally weak. You can take me down very easily, and I can stay down for awhile. Yes, I give away my power and give others a lot of control over how I feel. Not on purpose - it just happens to be the awesome way I'm built. There. I am not a strong person. Yes, I am stubborn and hard-headed; this is true. But stubborn and strong are not one and the same.

I am losing faith in the process of life as I am knowing and living it. I am losing faith in realizing any kind of remote fairness in the random way some families have so much to deal with while others do not. I am losing faith in getting through. I am losing faith in having any type of positive impact on any of it at all. I am losing faith in trusting that any of this that I divulge to anyone else is doing anything positive for anyone.

I am losing faith in trying.

If the above incidents are any indication at all of who I am and what I'm accomplishing in being authentic about my life as a parent, then I've been doing a whole lot of nothin' for a long time now.

If I live an average life span, then that means I'm half way through my time here on earth. And if this is all I've accomplished and the manner in which I've impacted those around me, then I'm doing it wrong. Very wrong.

Thank you, God, in all seriousness and honesty, for the awesome opportunities you've put before me. I've apparently completely derailed them. And for that, I'm sorry. I truly thought I was doing a good job for at least some of the time so far.

What can I do at this point? I'm not really sure. But I do know this. If these are the perceptions of my life and how it's lived, then I need to shut. up. about. it. I'm either obviously not portraying it accurately or, quite frankly, saying more than anyone can even fathom or believe. Or care about hearing.

I have been told over and over how people appreciate my "realness" and how authentic I am about my life being what it is, being honest about how I try to deal with it, and that I've even helped a few people who thought no one else in the world felt that way.

But it only takes one or two small things of the opposite manner to take me down.

So here it is. At least for now. I don't feel qualified or even comfortable talking about my parenting life in detail. I feel gun-shy, at this point, writing about my boys' lives being lived on the autism spectrum and about how things are spinning around here in any detail for fear of sounding like I'm searching for sympathy.

I really only feel even remotely okay right now writing about myself and my own emotional journey because it is mine and not another person on earth can tell me what is and is not true and accurate about that.

So if you'd like to hear about my own journey of ups and downs and of how I got to be where I am today, tune back in. That's all I'm promising for now.


  1. It's so dumbfounding to me that someone "close" to you says that you think your family is better than others and yet another says that you treat it as a sob story. How can two so "close" classify you on totally opposite spectrum's?

    I think it's wonderful when you are so close with someone that they can be completely honest with you, but these are just plain MEAN. I've always admired you for the way that you're honest and real - more than I could ever be. People are just mean and crazy and don't know how to have restraint.

    Don't lose faith. There are good friends out there who will challenge you in a loving way and who will love you for YOU. I'm so sorry that there are a few negative nelly's on your life right now.

    I completely relate to you in the aspect that in the middle of 10 wonderful things, 1 negative can ruin my whole outlook on life. Holly, you are a wonderful person, real, kind, funny, sweet, giving, generous...the list goes on and on. Keep your chin up! Thank you for the gift that you are to me, even in the limited time that we have together. xo

  2. Well, clearly, whomever this person was, they are clinically insane. And probably petty and bitter about the fact that whatever THEIR family's issues are, they aren't coping with them nearly as well as you are.
    A martyr wallows in self pity. I don't really dig the word 'aura' cause it sounds all new-agey, but yours says "My life is what it is, and with my family's love and God's grace I'm living it. Somedays it flat out sucks and somedays it's flippin' awesome, but I know God has a plan for it.And your petty, bitter, loser critic can suck it.

  3. The quotation marks should have ended before the sentence that starts with 'And'. I was too busy ranting to proofread.

  4. I love how Micayla said "suck it". That's really funny :)

  5. I think I actually stole that from Stacy...

  6. Also, If they think that about YOU I have some people they really need to spend some time with....

  7. hello. random stranger here.

    it never fails to amaze me how people seem to think they know better than you and that they have the answers for you and your family, and if you sit back and be sad or insecure or hurt they call you weak.

    when life sucks, you get to complain. it's a rule.

    and sometimes it just sucks, no matter who you are. ok, maybe you're not starving and maybe neither of your kids are dying, but your pain is measured in relation TO YOUR PAIN, not pain on some global scale.

    sometimes whining holds for us that very valuable place in our lives of just letting us decompress a little and then we go back to the business of our lives.

    if you like, you can come over to my blog where nobody knows you and whine at me.

    so. deep breaths. cup of tea, maybe. take care.

  8. Micayla said it best with the whole 'suck it' thing:) But I am ticked. I. want. names. You will not lose faith, friend. I won't let you. That is what a real
    'close' friend is for. You rock. Your family rocks.I love you and them. Plus my opinion counts way more than those other losers:)

  9. "Have you ever been hit so hard with the realization that you are having absolutely no effect on a situation that you felt as though you'd just had the wind knocked out of you?" Have I? Try being a pastor if you really want to experience this.

    I read this recently.

    People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway.

    If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway.

    If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

    The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

    Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.

    The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.

    People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for the underdog anyway.

    What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.

    People really need help, but may attack you if you help them. Help people anyway.

    Give the world the best you've got and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway.

  10. I'm appalled at anyone reacting to you in the way you describe.

    My response isn't very lady like but I'll say it anyway...

    Pi$$ on them.

    You are an amazing woman. You are doing what you do every day with nothing but the well being of your family in mind.

    There isn't a self serving bone in your body.

    People are evil and it is often those closest to you who disappoint the most. People you thought 'had your back' can turn on you in an instant if you don't conform to their realities. Trust for a moment, and you'll end up with disappointment.

    You do your thing and build your support network from those who are truly supportive through thick and thin.
    Blessings and prayers to you.

  11. I'm in agreement with those that said "suck it" and "piss on them" and yeah, I know those aren't nice words coming from a mama's mouth, but it really angers me when truly good people are hurting. And yes, Jen's opinion matters much more than those losers! Holly, you rock. Keep going.

  12. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your support and kind words. I know you mean them or you wouldn't have taken the time to comment.

    I am working through it, but I can't change my make-up and how things hit me. I can, however, learn to work through them differently. And that's what I'm doing now.

    Doug, those are very good words to live by. I'm printing that out and displaying it somewhere very visible. Maybe you can pound them into my head when I'm there in a few weeks. :-)

    Onward and upward, as they say.