Wednesday, September 8, 2010

You Might Want To Just Skip This.

This is how I feel. And I wish someone would pick me up and soothe me and snuggle me close until I drift off into peace.

Today I have a bad attitude. And this is my blog. I get to bleed all over it if I want to and no one has to read it. I did not come to your door complaining and boohooing. You have just clicked and come to mine. If you don't want to hear it, go.

I am tired of all kinds of things that have built up over time. Just like everyone else. God works on my heart most days and I know how I am called to act and what I am supposed to do. That doesn't mean I always follow it (not by a long shot), but it is there - always - and I try to listen and act.

Today I still know it is there, but am having an extremely hard time following it. How is it that I am supposed to change how I feel? I am not acting on this, just spewing here - in a space that I have created to write about what is on my mind and heart. Because I am me; and most of the time, people appreciate that realness. Probably not so much today.

I am tired of taking it for the team. 
I am tired of teaching and teaching and teaching to a deaf crowd.
I am tired of being taken advantage of.
I am tired of others' attitudes of entitlement.
I am tired of people having no boundaries, or ignoring them if they do have them.
I am tired of having more than "normal" parenting issues to deal with.
I am tired of driving an old van that has four cracks that span the windshield up, down, and all around.
I am tired of driving a van that's been hit several times by others who cannot or will not pay to fix their mistakes (one just drove away without even stopping).

I am tired of being blessed with a nice home only to have it trashed. And if you think I am exaggerating, please knock on my door, walk around, visit the basement. Then ask me, "How old are your kids again?" Old enough to know better; and certainly old enough to take responsibility for it. It is a never-ending vicious cycle that leaves me exhausted and angrier than a junkyard dog.

I am tired of Autism.
I am tired of Asperger's Syndrome.
I am tired of the whole, entire blankety-blank SPECTRUM and every rotten thing that comes with it.
I am tired of irresponsibility.
I am tired of Obama.
I am tired of being asked for money from schools that I already pay an inordinate amount to in the form of actual money, volunteer time, snacks, etc. Hey elementary school, middle school, football team, band - who are all asking for me to donate and ask others to donate in the first three weeks of the school year - I AM TAPPED OUT. And you haven't even sent me a bill for book rental fees yet.

I am tired of paying for meds.
I am tired of paying for therapy.
I am tired of life this side of heaven.

I. Am. Tired.

And yes, I know it could be worse. It could always be worse. But I am also tired of trying to make myself feel better by thinking, "Well, at least my child isn't deathly ill," or "At least this," or "At least that." That is no way to live. There is always going to be someone around the corner worse off than you. I get that.

Right now, like I said, I have a bad attitude. Don't worry. Tomorrow I'll be back at it. Chipper. Happy to be dumped on. Big thumbs up. Go team.Who needs what? Please let me do it.


  1. spew on. love you, tired or not:)

  2. thank you so so much for your honesty!

  3. it isn't a bad attitude.

    sometimes it just helps to complain. the occasional outburst does not undermine who you are, nor does it negate your overall gratitude.

    what you feel is what you feel, and there's no point in trying to suppress it; mad, sad, tired, whatever.

    you get to do it and you KNOW you'll just go back to your regular life, only maybe at a slightly lower pressure, and good for you!

    so if you don't mind i'll just slip an extra little prayer for your sanity and leave it at that, ok?

  4. Thank you, guys. A few things besides knowing my peeps are here encouraging me have me feeling a bit better:

    My meds are kicking in. The meds I haven't been able to take for three days. Explain some things?

    I am able to listen to snippets of all the songs on Third Day's new album on a loop in the background as I'm on here (you *know* how I unnaturally love TD).

    I'm getting ready to go do my weekly job at the church and I feel very loved when I walk in the door there by a certain few people who know who they are. ;-)

    Onward and upward. Or at least forward.

  5. I was sitting here and a random thought just occured to me- Don't feel bad for your emotions. God made us and our emotions, therefore he understands them. If you try to cover them up and act a way that you don't really feel, then you're just lying. And God doesn't like lying. So, let it all out-be honest with how you feel! I'm a genius, I know :)

  6. Holly, I love you. I appreciate and envy your honesty. I wish I could be this transparent. I'm glad your meds are kicking in - that's what God made doctors and medicine for :) Can't wait to see your pretty face in the office!