Monday, March 8, 2010

I Think I'm Lazy. Until I'm Made To Be.

So it turns out that it's not in the best interest of anyone in the family that I have open wounds that are being stubborn in healing. I'm dragging them all with me.

It's been 5.5 weeks since my surgery and things were going along great until I began experiencing wound separation at some of the incision areas, which has turned into a gigantic mess. Well, comparatively, anyhow. Comparatively in that - anywhere there is open flesh on my body constitutes a mess of any proportion. And when there are several places, and it means my body needs to expend energy doing nothing but trying to heal, well this constitutes as gigantic.

This encompasses my house, my body, my hair, my mental and emotional state, and what I am allowed to do with my time. All a mess.

gigantic: physically or metaphorically of great magnitude
mess: dirty, untidy, disordered condition; a state of embarrassing confusion

So yes, a metaphorically as well as physically dirty, untidy, disordered state of embarrassing confusion. Well said, Dictionary.com, for putting into perfect prose what my existence has boiled down to until I heal. Bravo!

It must have become obvious by now that I'm not taking this so well today. I have eaten Thin Mints and Doritos. I have watched episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm from the first season. I have Stumbled the internet finding interesting and downright weird sites. I have researched tropical vacation destinations that I will mostly likely never set foot upon. I have used a Crest Whitestrip. Now do you see how desperate this has become?

And what will I do tomorrow?

I am dreaming of miraculous healing, of sons who long to clean for their mother, of the day Starbucks offers delivery.

10 comments:

  1. ok, i realize you don't know me from a brick, and that i just wandered here into your blog by accident and decided to follow you.

    that was because i read a few posts and you can string together words pretty nicely and you can string together thoughts in a way that makes me, stranger from halfway across the country, care about you.

    i adore literate people who communicate clearly about things that matter to them.

    uh, anyway.

    i just want you to know that i know what it's like to need help and not really want it, to be living disorganized and unable to straighten it up for a time, and i also want you to know that i'll keep you in my prayers.

    so. comfort and healing for you, and peace of mind in the meantime.

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  2. Holly, we haven't met, but I found you through your WRCC blog. I would be happy to deliver a Starbucks to you tomorrow afternoon after bible study! email me at veb.indiana at gmail.com

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  3. Sweetie. Babydoll. Hunny. You know I understand. You know I get it. I've lived what you are living.

    Do you not see the Message in this?

    He is telling you to stop.

    Just because you feel like you have taken enough time for yourself (because on someone's scale, it might seem as if you have) doesn't mean you have on HIS scale.

    The only thing that heals wounds is time...this goes for mental, emotional, spiritual, and especially physical wounds. At minimum, the physical wounds heal in the least amount of time of all wounds.

    Take more time. Take up residence in that recliner, as boring and dull as it may seem. Say 'no'. Say 'later'. Say 'next week I'll think about it.' Make a list of the maximum you will allow yourself to do each day for the next 7 days. If the wounds on the surface are not healing, imagine what it is 6 or so layers deep....
    Hugs.

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  4. Enternal Love:Grab hold of the utmost love, gaze upos its eternaty. Passionate images enclose you in a dream. Chosing illusion over reality. Dreams over life. Pleasure over freedom. Your desires take hold where you're sheltered. Only to get a glimps of a healing wish. Leavinf unheard echoes behind. Waiting for the miracle that will embrace your soul. You're touched by the unblemished angel. Your ambitious heart is betrayed, lost and wretched. Invisible to the eye, controling over your mind, Precious memories will stay at ease. Intertwined into a collapsed promise. Only to remember your unconditional detemination. So the fragile body has warmth.

    Just thought I's share. This is my opinion on what its like with a mental disorder. Thanks for sharing your blog entry with me.

    http://forbiddenregrets.blogspot.com/

    -Real Diary of my life with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorders. There's two worlds, ours...then thiers. I'm tired of hiding the dark side.

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  5. VANESSA!! Did you leave a little something for me with Mikayla in the office at church??

    You are too sweet!

    I didn't see these comments until after Mikayla called me. We need to meet so I can give you a big hug!

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  6. My pleasure! I hope it brightened your day!

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  7. Whether or not I succeeded in my attitude adjustment assignment last Tuesday I don't know. But I do know this, it was great to spend four days with you last week!

    I am continually amazed at what remarkable women my two sisters have become. I love you two, and am so thankful we take such delight in being together.

    I used you to illustrate a point this morning about true spirituality. Thanks for your daily faithfulness to loving your boys, and living by faith in the midst of the mess this life throws at us. You encourage my heart!

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  8. Hi,

    Here's a blog that serves for your spiritual needs.

    This blog has messages from the Holy Scriptures, taught by the Spirit of God.

    These messages teach us how to have God in all the aspects of our lives and allow God's rule over every matter:

    www.holyoneofisrael-reconciliation.blogspot.com

    Have a blessed reading.

    God bless you.

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  9. I've had several surgeries so I can relate. I hope you are feeling better.

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