Sometimes I feel like God and I are really clicking along in our relationship. I'm getting Him. He's getting me. It's going well.
Then there's the rest of the time.
I've been feeling distant recently. Like I'm not hearing from God. More likely, of course, is that I'm not listening. Or seeking enough in the first place.
Things don't seem to be moving along smoothly in my heart. I've made some decisions lately and engaged in some behaviors that I didn't think through and that, well, certainly aren't things I asked God about beforehand.
Several areas of my life are needing some direction right now.
I'm feeling a little lost on what I'm supposed to be doing these days now that my last dude is in school all day long. I'm wondering what God has for me and am not feeling any sort of wisdom or guidance on the subject at all.
Last night we began discussing adopting a golden retriever through a local rescue organization (GRRACE) that came to my attention earlier in the week. We previously adopted a golden through Grrace, whom we had for eight years until he passed away a year and a half ago. It was devastating; but now we may be ready for another. We met Buddy today, a nine-year-old golden being fostered who needs a permanent home. I figured I would be ready to take him home the minute I met him. I prayed last night and this morning for God to give me some sort of definite feeling, one way or another, when I met this dog. Some red flag to tell me no; some glaring wonderful thing to tell me yes. But it didn't happen. He was a wonderful dog, a lot like our golden who died, and the boys loved him. Sean loved him. But I didn't hear God's voice - telling me yes OR no. I felt deafening silence in my heart on the issue. This is troubling to me because it's very unusual not to feel God stirring my heart one way or another about things.
Also recently, I had to give up my evening Bible study due to issues going on with our middle son (diagnosed with a mood disorder), so a couple of friends and I have decided to do a study together on our own and meet during the day. We haven't decided on what particular study we'd like to do, so this evening I stopped in at the Christian book store to look over some.
I stood there reading over several women's studies on different relevant issues and just felt blank. Nothing popped out at me. Right there in the aisle, I felt very down. I prayed right then, just talking to God. "Why am I not hearing from you? No feeling, no signs, on ANYthing I'm stuck on. What am I supposed to be doing these days? Is this dog right for us? What study is right? Could you just drop me a hint on SOMETHING? Could you give me a nudge? Are you there?"
And I am not even making this up - as I'm standing there in the Family Christian book store literally questioning God's presence or rather my lack of ability to sense Him and his voice - I heard a man yell from across the store, "Hey!" and laugh, then again, "Hey!" I turned my head wondering what in the world was going on, and a golden retriever comes trotting by with its leash trailing behind. In a book store. The guy then walked by going after the dog, grinning, and said, "He's just exploring!" I think my heart quit beating for a moment.
Real subtle, God. Okay. So you're there. I have no idea what you are saying, but I get it. You're there. And I shouldn't be questioning whether you are there or pushing because you are not answering my questions within my time frame or as obviously as I would like.
Thank you for smacking me upside the head. I will more patiently seek you, and listen instead of gripe.
photo by Cathy Kaplan